morningapproach

I am depressed. I am struggling right now. I don't know why. I wish I had a specific reason - but I really don't. I keep trying to find a way to justify it. To explain to myself why I have no motivation. Why I don't want to go to school (and yes, my hyper and over half boy grade 2 class so contributes to not wanting to go to school). Why I only want to smoke and watch Netflix and sleep. Seriously, those three things sound like the best 3 things in the world. I watched all of The Good Wife the past month and a half. Now I am watching Scandal.  So far, so good.

In terms of the depression, I am so lost. I don't know why. Maybe there doesn't need to be a reason why? But it makes no sense. I feel like some part of me has always been depressed, since childhood - no serious friends as a young kid, a handful in high school (and none at my own school, they all went to different schools). I seriously contemplated suicide as a teenager. I think I framed it in my head as I wasn't really suicidal, I was doing it to "be cool", to be different, to get attention from the few friends I did have. But I think I was really depressed then. Who actually thinks that is an okay thing, to fake depression? Anyways, I went from that to my first serious local boyfriend in the first year of University, Ryan, whom we all know turned into an abusive dickbag who took advantage of everything good about me, that was starting to find my way, and manipulated me into being his dream girl, someone compliant and fit his idea of a perfect life (ie a duplicate of his parents). I let him. I was convinced that I wanted that too. That I wanted this perfect life and I wanted that too, and I didn't. I didn't want that. I led a lie for almost 9 years, and I was so angry after. It has been 5 years now. I am still angry with him - I am angry with myself. I hate parts of myself that let me become manipulated and angry and didn't focus on what I needed and what I wanted. Those parts that allowed me to be gaslit and were fed and grew because of him.

I am glad I am seeing a therapist. I am going to print out this journal entry and give it to her, I think. Hopefully it helps us figure out what is causing the depression, if there is a cause. I just don't want to feel like this any more. I want to feel happy again. I don't know when I ever was really happy.  I am sure there have been moments.  I know I was happy in Mexico on our honeymoon. But even then I had a couple panic attacks and freaked out (one related to scuba diving, the second that we didn't have a chance to have sex after the wedding until Monday night). I can't remember a time when I have ever been happy and content for longer than a few days.

I don't know how to move forward - how to cope on a daily basis or on a long term basis with depression.

Work. Life. Blah.  I am home with Nyx, she woke up with a fever and an upset stomach. She seems better now, but I also know she's been struggling mentally with her own anxieties and behaviour (she had a meltdown on Monday when I picked her up from Brownies), and a day of doing nothing is good for everyone every now and then. So I am on my laptop, browsing reddit, working on report cards. Laundry is in the wash. Dinner will be started in a few minutes (Chicken Tortilla Soup in the crock pot).

- Doctor changed my medication to Pristiq from Cipralex. Not sure how I am feeling yet, I've been on it for 2 nights now. Nervous about the immediate switch over - it was what my doctor said was alright, and the pharmacist didn't say otherwise. Hopefully I don't have huge hormonal swings.
- If we believe in the multiverse theory, then doesn't it also hold true that there exists a universe for each tv show ever? I hate thinking in infinite numbers, it makes my head hurt :(
- There are some random/weird subreddits. Some memorable ones I've found are:

• https://www.reddit.com/r/ShowerOrange/ - Oranges. In Showers. I don't know why.


• https://www.reddit.com/r/jellybeantoes/  - dedicated to cat toes


• https://www.reddit.com/r/evilbuildings/ - Evil buildings. Enuff Said.


• https://www.reddit.com/r/coloringcorruptions/ - effed up colouring sheets


• https://www.reddit.com/r/DeepIntoYouTube/ - Obscure Youtube videos.


• https://www.reddit.com/r/DMDadJokes/ - Dungeon Master Dad Jokes


• https://www.reddit.com/r/chesscoaster/ - people playing chess while on roller coasters.

- I am enjoying Rick being on midnights. I really am! I am finding a nice balance between alone time and spending time with him.

^^^

I wrote all of that yesterday (Wednesday).  Today I was back at work. Kate (my best friend and maid of honour in my wedding) broke her foot yesterday.  She has Osteogenesis Imperfecta, which is a genetic condition that affects her soft tissue and bones. She is going to be off of her foot for 6 weeks, which means no work (she is a children's librarian), she has to stay at her parents house (she lives in a 3rd floor apartment building with no elevator), and she went in for surger almost an hour ago. After work I went to the dollar store and bought her stuff to make into a care box, which I am bringing over tonight. I also am going to head to get her apartment keys from her brother, and pick up a bunch of stuff from her apartment that she needs. I have a LONG list of stuff to get for her!

I need a new cup. I have been using a Diva cup (size small) for the past 6 years inverted and with the stem cut off. I have an exceptionally low cervix - I can usually feel it without inserting my finger the entire way, generally before it hits my second knuckle. I want to order one, and I live in Canada. I can also get it shipped to the US, as I have a postal box there I can use if I need to. I was looking at the MeLuna, as they ship to Canada, but does anyone else know which companies might be good for me that have a small cup size?

Thanks!

I have my long term list interview tonight at 5. I have been studying my ass off for it for about a week and I'm really nervous but I think that I know my material.  I'm just worried that they will throw me a curve ball and ask me something that I haven't prepared for or don't know about.  Some new teaching strategy or something.   I know I know my stuff.  I do.  I'm a lot more prepared than I was last time,  when I went in over confident.  

 

Wish me luck,  everyone.  I'll take prayers,  incense,  spells,  whatever you've got!

I have been sick for over 3 weeks now.  It started as a sore throat the weekend of the 10th, then I partially lost my voice the following Tuesday. The next few days was just a lot of coughing, but it wasn't a chest cough. However, about a week and a half later, I think brought on by a work trip to Toronto, this cough turned into a chest cold. I had a fever the Sunday night (24th) and had to take the Monday off of work.   Last Thursday it migrated into my ears, and I went and got some antibiotics that night. The following day, I was nauseous and had to cancel my job, since I couldn't leave the bathroom.  Now, today I am still nauseous - last night I was up until about 2am feeling very sick. I was supposed to work an afternoon job today, but I ended up cancelling it because I just don't feel good enough to be in front of a classroom teaching.

I still have to tutor tonight - a new client, grade 11 girl, actually the daughter of my former Grade 3 teacher, and they were recommended to contact me by my aunt, who is a psychologist that the daughter sees - and it is my first time meeting with them, so I am going and I want to impress them and make them feel confident in my abilities so I can get referrals.  After that is Pathfinders.

I am seriously considering stepping back from pathfinders next year.  I love the unit, I love the kids, I love the impact I have with them, but every week is a little too much for me to do with them. I need to sit down and talk with my co-leader about me staying on as a leader, but stepping back from weekly events.  I am getting overwhelmed, between pushing the tutoring business, union meetings and conferences, and trying to attempt to keep my apartment in order (I haven't done laundry in 2.5 weeks, and I am slowly running out of clean underwear), and I am simply exhausted all the time lately. I did this last year and by the time June came, with Oma's death in late May, I was depressed and stressed and unable to really function on any sort of higher level.

I have promised myself that I will cut back if I need to on things, and focus on me and what I need for my mental and phsyical health, and that is what today is. 

Work is slowly picking up,  but it's been hampered by my persistent cold.  I had a fever Monday night and had to take Tuesday off of work,  so the week has been slow because of that.  A lot of half day phone calls too.  I'll have 2 days this week and 2 days last week,  making my next pay cheque small :( im really worried about money,  and I'm trying to save wherever I can.

 

With that in mind,  I'm really trying to think of ways to push my tutoring business.  I'm going to drop off business cards with different schools,  and I'm going to relist my Kijiji ad with a 15% discount off their first 5 sessions if they book before the end of the month.  Other than that,  I'm not sure what else I should do.  I need to get a new Facebook account so I can start a business page,  and then hopefully get my friends and family to push it. 

 

I just need things to pick up.  If I don't get on the long term list next year,  I'm seriously considering finding a new line of work.   I don't want to have to start my career over again at 31 though. 

And LJ is running really slow, so I dunno if this post will actually post.

I have a shit ton of links open in my browser, and I think that my Facebook friends are getting tired of seeing me link stuff all the time. Here is  brief rundown on stuff I am reading right now:

• A Woman's Quest to be come the First Female Masaai Warrior


• 24 Important Lessons from the women of Girl Code ( I have added the first few episodes of this show to my torrent list, which should be kind of awesome)


• I am a Woman and I have a right to be here


• American Baby Names are Getting Worse (and as a teacher, I can attest that it isn't just an American problem...)


• I am running in this 5k in October.. http://www.undeadunleashed.com/


• Did you know that Russia passed an anti-gay law? In fact multiple...


• Sex Workers, even after the "reform" are still treated like they are horrible people...


• Why America isn't the Greatest country in the world anymore (from Newsroom, also on my download list!)

So teacentral recently went through her LTO list inteview, and she posted a bunch of cover letters that she has done up as she got ready to send in applications to other boards. I thought I'd see about getting some feedback from everyone as well, see if there is anything I missed.

If you know of anyone who would be willing to lend an extra pair of eyes to this, please let me know! I have to send it in before I leave for Vancouver for 5 days (thursday morning at 6am, what!?), so I have been working on it for 2 days now.
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Apparently Oma is fading.  I put off going to see her this week because of chores and being busy and now I feel horrible that I didn't get up to see her before now.  I am going this afternoon with my mom,  I am hoping I can hold it together. 

 

I can't fathom a world without my Oma's  love and advice and wisdom.  She is so awesome,  and such a great spirit.  I know she's ready to go,  she just passed her 90th birthday,  but I feel selfish and want her for longer. 

how do you say to a friend that she needs to lighten up, because she is making hanging out with her exhausting because I am having to always watch what I say because she thinks that I am always insulting her and making jabs at her. it is always tiny things, like the way  I am standing, or the way I say something,  or a compliment is a veiled criticism or insult, or something like that. it is exhausting to always have to watch every single thing I say around her and to not relax.

 

Two weeks ago (almost 3 now I think) I went over to her house with Kate and I told her that her outfit looked great and that it made her look young, like a college kid again. she got super offended and created this huge deal over it and accused me of saying that she looks old. then when I was talking to her husband about our shared love of k-cups, she called me into the bathroom while she fixed her makeup so she could "keep an eye on me". I gave her a weird look and left the room.

 

I just don't know what to do about it. It is driving me away. I don't want to be around her because she thinks that everything is about her and that everything I am saying (no matter what topic) is an implied insult or slight to her.

 

I know that a lot of it comes from her insecurity and how she views herself, and so she thinks that everyone is judging her as harshly as she is judging herself. I just don't know how to talk to her about it so that she understands that her insecurities are affecting her friendships. I have had more than one friend say to me that they don't want to hang out with her anymore because it is exhausting having to constantly defend your words and actions and to reassure her that you're not insulting her in some way.

 

Any advice?